Leander Online · Blog On The D-List

Throw me a freakin’ bone here! The past couple of days were not so pleasant for me, and for some people around me. Where is my positive vibe? Please, don’t abandon me! Okay, so today I heard some disappointing news about that reintegration program I planned on doing. I was all excited about it and really looking forward to it. So, today I received an e-mail from the lady who I spoke to a couple of weeks ago, informing me that the government is unable to assist me and offer me to take part of the program because at the moment I am not ‘required for jobs’ until September this year. What the hell? What is the big deal, seriously. So after I heard the news my mood went down much more than it already was. I was disappointed. And I feel lost to say the least. And there are some other personal stuff that is happening, and all that is happening right now I basically just want to crawl under a rock and die. I know it may sound harsh, but that’s how I feel at the moment.

And I am starting to feel very discouraged too. Wait, is discouraged the right word? Am I being punished? I am not happy with myself. I haven’t been for the past couple of days. But that’s actually another story. What is wrong with me? I try to keep holding on the ledge of a cliff, so to speak and not fall down. I thought this was going to be my year. I mean, it started off great, but since a couple of days it all seems to fall apart. Is it the so called ‘two steps forward, one step backwards’ kinda shit? I am sick and tired of that. I just wanna move forward, you know and start going somewhere.

Also, why do I keep repeating bad stuff? Okay, you might wonder what I am talking about right now. I won’t say, it’s all about me. Why am I always getting myself into shit. And the worst part is, in the back of my head, I am sometimes aware, and yet I still do it? And I end up hurting and disappointing other people without meaning to do so. I wanna cry! My insecurities, my fear, jealousy… I mean why? Okay, right about now I wanna climb on the roof of my apartment and scream the shit out of me. I feel miserable, sad, lonely, lost, misunderstood, bad… you name it. Gosh, let me get my positive vibes back.

I am sorry for being so frustrated right now. Just a little bit of luck and self assurance, is that too much to ask? And I feel I am pushing people more and more away from me. I hate myself for that. Goodness, I need a moment, you guys. I need to try and hold on to some positivity. I know the year just started and ofcourse there are setbacks that happen, but I kinda wish it didn’t.

But anyway, sorry for the negative blog. I just need to get it out of me.

Okay, on to other things. I have a new Twitter account. I felt a change was needed, so I changed the name of my Twitter again and opened a new account with the original @itsleander name. Why? Because on my former Twitter account I had over 10.000 followers, all who don’t give a shit about my vlogs or my website and I was like ‘fuck that’. So I got rid of it and started a new account under my trademark name ‘itsleander’. Also the account is currently set on private. What I am planning to do is do the usual Twitter promoting scheme on my vlogs and on my website and try to gain more followers hopefully who want to follow me just for me. No follow for follow bull shit and no @ replying to me asking for a follow back, because if that happens, I am going to block your ass real hard. Wow, that sounded bitter. But I mean it. I don’t know you guys, I thought maybe this would be a good way to start something new, you know what I mean?

Also, another idea has been tickling my balls, so to speak. I don’t know what I am going to do with YouTube. I have been thinking about ending YouTube and just focus on my website instead. I mean I do love vlogging and I love sharing my life with you, but it’s just that… I don’t even know. I hope this thought gets out of my head. I met so many people on YouTube, so many nice people who watch my vlogs and being supportive of whatever bad thing I am going through and I love interacting with people who understand me. And I am close to 500 videos already. I mean it’s been a lot of work and it’s kinda a shame to throw that all away. I will leave YouTube as it is for now. I am currently on a short little vlogging hiatus, so maybe I get to feel inspired and enthusiastic again.

But anyway, I just wanted to rant. I am sorry if I seem bitter. It’s just one of those moments again. I am sick of these moments tho. But anyway, I am going to end my blog here. I hope everyone is having a great day or night, wherever you are. Leave me a comment if you like. I’ll be back again soon! Ta-ta for now!

Here’s Monday’s vlog. I am going to take a little vlogging break for a couple of days. But I will hopefully be back again soon. Just a little time for myself and think about stuff. Hope you all understand. Enjoy the (short) vlog!

Here’s Sunday’s vlog for you! I got a ridiculous compliment at the grocery store!

Oh my goodness! Okay, I have to mention this to you all. It may sound like I’m bragging, but I’m just having a little moment here. I went to the grocery store earlier and I was asked to show my ID because I was buying alcohol. Have you ever? I showed the cashier my ID and she looked at it and then she looked at me. She apologized. I was like “hey, don’t worry, it’s a compliment for me”. But then again, is it really a compliment when someone thinks you’re 16 when I’m actually almost 32? But anyway, this day doesn’t get any better now. An I thank God for my genes!

Here’s Friday’s vlog for you! I hope you’re all having a great weekend! Leave me a comment and tell me what you’re up to!

It’s that time again where I’m dying my hair. Don’t worry! It’s not going to be Lady Gaga yellow like in 2010. That was just an ‘expiriment’. Ha! This time I’m just dying it black. Mainly to get rid of the dozens of grey hair. There are a lot of them. You can’t really see them on my vlogs, but they’re there. So, it’s time to dye it black again. And I already made kind of a mess with the dye, which by the way smells nice. I like the smell of hair dye. Anyway, bring on the blackness!

I was at mom and dad’s today and sometimes I browse through this big box of old pictures and I found a couple of class pictures from the 80′s. Can you spot me?

This one is from 1985!

This one is from 1987!

This one is from 1988!

And this one is not from the 80′s anymore. This one is from 1991!

Here is Thursday’s vlog. I hope everyone is having a great weekend! Be kind to one another!

Here is Wednesday’s vlog! Rainy day, people, rainy day!

Is it me? Or is this week really flying by so fast? This morning I had another appointment with my therapist. We were discussing about my financial issues and how to get my administration in order. I also got some great news! I can’t tell much about it, but all I can say it will truly make the financial burden a lot less heavier for me, so I am very pleased about that. So I can focus more on my reintegration program that I will take part of real soon! Good news, people, good news! I am really excited about it. This year is already starting great. And I still have these positive vibes every day! You know, I am so glad that I finally found my path. I still get nervous breakdowns from time to time, but it’s a whole lot less than before. Because right now I feel I get the support I was looking for, especially with that organization who offers me the reintegration program. I am nervous as hell, but it feels good. And like I’ve said in one of my vlogs recently is that with all this good opportunities I have, it’s good if I also push myself a little bit, you know what I mean? even tho I am scared and nervous, I just have to push myself. Because if I do so, more opportunities will come my way! Again, it’s all going to be good!

Tomorrow I have another Desktop Publishing Class, and I am kinda excited about that. That’s a good attitude! After my class I am going to mom and dad’s and we’re going to bring back some of my stuff to my apartment. Very excited about that as well. I miss my TV and my PlayStation! I will also take two big single sofa seats from my parents and throw my old couch away. I still have to see when, because my dad would need a little van or something.

So, right now I am just chillin’ here at home. I had dinner earlier, left overs from yesterday. It wasn’t the best, but I was hungry. And when you’re hungry you eat everything right? Food wise, of course.

Oh, something fun that’s going to happen on Monday. I am going to visit my friend Svenlana and hang at her place the whole day, watch movies, play with our iPhones and have a good ol’ time! I haven’t been to hear place in three years. She always come to my place, because it’s kind of difficult when you’re in a financial crisis, even if the train fare isn’t that expensive, you kinda save as much money as you can in my situation. But this time I am going to her place in Rotterdam. Very excited about that. We will probably make loads of geeky pictures as well. That’s what we’re known for. But it’s fun!

What are your plans for the weekend? Let me know and share with me. Before I end this blog I just want to give a little shout out to my boy, Colin! I love you so much, babe! You are my everything and more! Can’t wait to have your %*#& in my… wait, what? Anyway, enjoy your day and be kind to one another!

Here is yesterday’s vlog. It’s burgerlicious! Enjoy!

Here’s Tuesday’s vloggity!

Look what I stumble upon. I don’t know if I already posted these before. But I found some major old school pictures from my dad, grandparents and even great grandparents. The picture on top you see my grandfather, grandmother, my dad (on the right) and his siblings. The picture on the left in the middle you see my grandmother with my dad (on the left) and his siblings. The picture on the right in the middle are my great grandparents, my grandfather’s parents. The picture in the bottom you see my grandmother’s parents. How old school is this? And on the top picture when you look at my dad, can you see how much I look like him? These pictures are an amazing find, for sure!

Here’s Sunday’s vlog. I kinda got freaked out of this lump kinda thing on my neck. It hurts when I touch it or press on it gently. But I’m sure there’s nothing to be concerned about. I have done some research and it’s probably because I will kinda sick a couple days ago. If it’s still there the next couple of days I will go see my doctor about it. But anyway, here’s the vlog!

Well, I finally made it to the A-List! Not in real life, obviously. But in Stardom: The A-List, that game on my iPhone I started playing a couple weeks ago. Totally addicted! Loving the game. It only took me 12 levels. I upgraded from a crappy apartment to a fancy apartment in the city. I need a lot more money to be able to get a fancy house in the hills. I guess I’ll continue taking all the acting jobs to get there.